I lived in Tuscany for a few years after college. These images were shot in abandoned farmhouses, villas, a hilltop fortress, and an old ‘palazzo’ on an island in and around the Tuscan countryside. These were beautiful, haunting spaces, full of unspoken stories, neglected and in states of disrepair. Sometimes I would feel the presence of those energies in these spaces. I was a guest in their spaces yet part of me wanted to share what I imagined had happened. One dark cellar had lines and cross lines drawn all over the wall, as if someone tried to keep track of time when they were hidden there, perhaps during a war. I sensed a tragedy of a girl drowning in a well and was later told by the owner about it. She became the ‘ghost’ I photographed in that space.

I was seeking out these dark places as I processed my own emotional turmoil in an attempt to bring it out to be healed. I had spent years exploring the shadow, trying to heal all the hurt parts of myself and reconcile the deep grief of being estranged from my father and family. My father and I had been close when I was young but when I became a teenager our relationship changed and became difficult. A few years prior he had disowned me for being in a relationship with an older man, who I was still with during this period. I had years of profound sadness, grief and anger, so I had to create it a way to see it and process it. Like my photos, I felt abandoned, naked, vulnerable, angry and unconsolably hurt, sometimes to the point of madness.

It all ended in a terrifying accident when I was photographing my friend in the old palazzo on the island. I heard a voice in my head tell me to have my model stand behind a bed headboard in a corner, so I said it aloud. She went there and then fell through the floor to the floor far below. After a frantic search I found her, lying in a pile of rubble, naked except for her shoes. She was conscious and as I held her head in my lap I prayed to every diety there was that she would be ok. She luckily survived, and while we waited for medical help to arrive by boat, she told me to stop seeking the darkness and focus on the light. It was time to let go of plunging into the pain. I knew she was right.

For many years I felt so much guilt, shame, and pain for ‘almost killing’ my friend. I think some part of me gave up on my creativity and closed down. It was all tied together, the creativity, the pain and darkness. I have spent years trying to forgive myself and healing the self blame. My photos after this point have focused on beauty, which for me is another way of seeing God/Spirit/Goddess/the sacred. Creating beauty is one way I connect to Spirit. At this point 23 years later, I am still learning to integrate what I would have considered the ‘bad’ or negative parts of myself. I am more gently accepting of these different parts. In learning to love myself more deeply I can finally write about all this because I am ready to let go and be an open channel of creativity and love.

(All images were shot on film with natural light, sometimes with long exposures, and hand printed.)